Dreams

I keep having dreams of being back in high school. It's very creepy as I am way too old to be going back there. Besides, I graduated.

Maybe it's that I regret a lot of the stupid things I did back then. I was a good student, until the first time I skipped class. I knew at the time it was stupid, but I did it anyway. The only reason I can give for it is that I had a broken teenage heart. My boyfriend has just broken up with me. His reasoning still baffles me to this day. “I give more affection to my friends than I do to you.” I couldn't go to any classes after that. I spent the rest of the day in the school auditorium crying. I even missed the bus back home and had to call my dad for a ride. He was pissed. I remember my brother asking me what was wrong. Dad answered, “She knows I'm mad at her.”

After that, ditching became too easy. If I didn't want to go to class, I just hid out in the auditorium. I still did pretty good in my classes, just not as well as I had been doing. It wasn't until senior year that things fell badly. I was in an advanced English class and I really didn't like the teacher. She was one of the hardest ones in the whole school and we clashed, badly. I have never had such a bad mesh of personalities. I wish I had not let it affect me so much. The first semester went ok. I at least passed that one. The second semester was much worse. I actually failed. That meant I couldn't graduate. One of the requirements was 4 credits in English and I only had 3 ½. The worst part was that I didn't find out until graduation morning when I showed up to practice the walk. When I couldn't find my name on the list saying where I was to go, I went to find out. I was so depressed. It was also my birthday and I was looking forward to being able to say that I graduated on my birthday. I had all kinds of family visiting for that graduation, too. Since that didn't happen, we just had a birthday party.

Since I only needed the half of an English credit, I asked my guidance counselor what I should do. She recommended doing an individual study with one of the teachers. I asked my favorite one from junior year. I visited with her 3 days a week and passed. I still like to consider myself part of the class of 1999, but I am actually part of the class of 2000.

Maybe the reason I keep dreaming about being back in school, is that I never went to college. I keep thinking I would like to, but it just has never happened.

I even went so far, once, as to get grants and a loan. I registered for a few online classes. This was the summer that my girls were one. That is also the year that things fell apart for us, financially. I had to drop out and we moved to Kansas to try to start over.

I really want to go back. I just don't know what I want to go for. The only thing that has been consistent is the thought of something medical; receptionist, records, or coding, I'm not sure which. I've also thought of becoming a massage therapist.

All of these stem from the desire to be able to help people. I've thought of being a doctor, nurse, or x-ray tech, but I don't think I could be that close to people in pain. It tends to make me hurt and that would make it hard to do my job. Even being a masseuse might not be possible, but I think I would like to try.

Maybe once I get a better handle on these migraines, I will pursue this further.